in denial and hating it

I miss home.



I have never been home in two years and five months. I have been independence-hungry when I left our little town in Negros and I promised myself then that spending twenty years of my uneventful life in that ‘quaint’ town was already enough. I knew then that leaving would be a step further in achieving my dream. So, like any other twenty-something with big dreams and no money, I asked my parents that I needed to re-think and re-assess my life. They sent me here, to Cebu, to think about stuff. I was actually wishing that they’d send me to Manila. I planned to just bum it out here and think on what I would want with my life when a friend actually dragged me with her when she applied in an outsource company. So to make it short, I ended up answering calls and helping Americans everyday. I almost forgot about my life and the reason why I was here. My parents were adamant at first with my working as a callboy. They were totally against it. But I was stubborn and I wanted it my way. So I had it my way. And I have never went home, not even for holidays, after that.



So imagine my surprise when I got a call from my dad. His birthday is coming up. He was not begging but I kept on joking that he was indeed begging me to come home. Or even visit them. I told him that we just saw each other three weeks ago. He and my mom visit my sister who is in college here from time to time, so what’s the point of my going home? Right? I have never been one who gets emotional easily. I have always prided myself as someone who gets a grip on his emotions. My friends know that whenever they need emotional advise, or just someone to talk to about emotional stuff like boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, dogs, etc., etc. I am not the one to approach. I don’t keep what I feel to myself, if that’s what you’re thinking now. I talk to my best friend or my sister. I just don’t like it when a situation calls for emotions. I tend to steer away from stuff like that and as much as possible I want people to think that I am strong and independent.



Lately, though, I have been having bouts with my self. I hate to admit it but I feel homesick once in a while. I hate myself for feeling this way but I cannot deny it that I’ve been longing for home. I have spent four years of my life living in sin away from home when I was in college. I never even went home for term breaks and summer breaks. And now, now that I am already independent (sort-of) and earning my own money and living in more sin, I long for home. Carrie did not long for home. Why should I? I know Carrie is fictional, and this is not the Big Apple and I also know that no matter how insincere and sinful I am, there would still be a very small part of me that yearns for family. Maybe it’s because I am Filipino, or maybe it’s just because I am homesick. But whatever that reason would be, I still do not see the point of me missing home. Where did this come from? I am not like THIS. This is not ME.



I guess I am just maturing. So this is it. I have always longed for the day when I would be mature enough to accept things as they are. I can still remember my rebellious self ages ago. I’d always go against what’s conventional and looking back, I knew I looked and acted like a fool. Maybe there is a reason why parents act the way they do their children are trying to be ‘angst-y’. I don’t know. I’m in confusion still. Missing home is just normal for you and that person behind you and your neighbor. But not for me because missing home is a sign of weakness. I am not weak. Or was not weak. I am flying home on Tuesday and I do not know if I ‘ready’. But one thing I do know is that I am not getting any younger and that it’d mean the world to my dad to see his eldest son visit him for his fiftieth birthday. I think as a selfish son for this whole time, I owe this to my dad. You may not know it and my friends might not know it and I may even not admit it before, but what the heck! I miss home and I am going home.



There.




I am going home.




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By the way, that picture up there shows how close I was to going home last year. In the horizon you can see Negros island. See, I am really homesick!

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