the ramblings and nocturnal desires of alex|hates

prelude to something

2008-05-11T17:43:00.000+08:00

The silence was defeaning. I can hear the humming of the fridge in the kitchen. I can feel your stare; it burned. The smoke filled my room, I took a drag or two and you finished it off. The feel of your hand holding mine is reassuring. Are we about to end this? I don't want to. I know you don't want to. Why the silence then?

You know how I hate it when you're silent. It makes me ask stupid questions. I can still feel your stare, this time I can feel your breath in my ear too. Your smell is like an elixir; making me do ungodly things. You whispered you want me. I whispered I don't care. And then your wet lips touched mine. Now I know why it was silent. It usually happens before a storm.

You. Naked. Again.

2008-04-24T14:47:00.000+08:00

there i was awake.
the air from the fan was muggy.
there you were, sleeping.
beside me naked.
i needed a drag.
board shorts on, no top
i went outside to fill my lungs
how long will it be this time?
overnight?
or until my friends wake up?

Did I Say I Am A Fashion Roadkill?

2008-03-28T20:04:00.000+08:00

I have tried to keep this a secret for a very long time now. I do not want others to get addicted to this. But I cannot help it anymore. If you are a clothes-whore, visit this site. It's super!

Now, did I tell you this is addictive?

Confessions of True Blue Jologs

2008-03-25T18:07:00.000+08:00

I, O Ejercito, do solemnly admit that I have succumbed to the jologs-hood. This admission, though, does not, in no way, affect my status as the diva princess of all time. Okay? And this cannot be taken against me in the future.

But what the fuck, I'd go jologs for this boy. Even if it means reclusion perpetua.

I know you kinda like him too. According to the show, he's a former kargador.

WTF! Pede magpakarga?

Catch him on Pinoy Big Brother Live Streaming daily in Studio 23.

*Pictures courtesy of The Manila Gay Guy.*

loss

2007-05-29T10:02:00.000+08:00

My grandmother just died.

And I don't know what to feel.

I'm not good in dealing with emotions, especially with loss. It's either I sleep, I smoke or I listent to Slapshock. And that was when I missed that Hed Kandi concert. Loss for me is not something emotional. Loss is that Vans canvass sneakers that comes only in size 10, that elusive Havaianas slim for men, that I.PH.Rizal tee from Team Manila that's out of stock. Loss is not my grandmother, dead.

I know I was never that close to her. Well, she was there in my growing up years. A hundred peso bill here, a Christmas gift there, a kiss here and some pocket money there. That was all there is. She had a stroke a few years back and that paralyzed her. She was not able to talk since then. And I guess, that ended whatever lola-apo interaction we had. Still, she is my grandmother, my mother's mother. I can still remember her telling me how she brought up my mom and my aunts all by herself. You see, my grandfather died when my mom was about 4 years old. And this was years ago, before women empowerment. She was a tough person. She remarried just so she can provide for her children and I think that was so brave of her, to put her children's needs over hers. I may not be her favorite apo and I may know so little of her but I know that she has her reasons. In my heart I know she loved us all. I will miss her somehow.

Lola,

Wherever you are right now, I know you're happy.
I love you and may you rest in peace.

XOXO

***Art by Steve Dehlinger lifted from www.google.com***

because I am me and you are you...

2007-05-28T10:30:00.000+08:00

Bancruptcy over shopping sprees.
Late night coffee and smoke breaks.
Lazy afternoons in soccer fields.
Sand between my toes.
Freshly laundered bed linen.
I love life.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

bai, fcuk you!

2007-04-05T00:13:00.001+08:00

enter at own risk
Originally uploaded by O®.

I knew it from the start but I was too blind to see it. Promises and late night phone calls. How stupid of me to believe you. I was fucked up, yes. But I am not hurt. You hear that, bai? I am not hurt. I'm fuming! You lead me on. How could you. I hope you;re happy now. Because in a few hours, I will be. With someone.

~ ~ ~ ~

Half-boyfriend
by Jay Brannan

Don't know where we're going
But I know we've gone too far and
I hope it isn't showing
But I think I love you and
I can't believe you're leaving just when I let you in and
When you had me believing I could feel again

I could give a million reasons
Why we should not be friends
Our moods change like the seasons
My mood ends, your mood begins and
You're a tease, you're a cock blocker, you're a loud-mouthed bitch and a big talker
But that’s OK
You’ll grow up someday

You’re the pill I never wanted to take
An anti-misanthrope
Mine was the heart I never thought you would break
My one hope was
That I’d survive you

I’ve shown up for you in ways that boy never would but
I know you’ll go back to him and
Maybe you should, but
I hope you don’t go backwards
'Cause i’m going on ahead and
One day you’ll wish that you had stuck with me instead

You’re the pill I never wanted to take
An anti-misanthrope
Mine was the heart I never thought you would break
My one hope was
That I’d survive you

As I wander through Union Square
I remember when you followed me there
You were the stalker I kinda wanted to have
Being your half-boyfriend was only half bad

You’re the pill I never wanted to take
An anti-misanthrope
Mine was the heart I never thought you would break
My one hope was
That I’d survive you

Thursday. Smoking. Shit.

2007-03-29T14:11:00.001+08:00

life's a tee
Originally uploaded by O®.

In the hot-ness that is Philippine summer, there I was sitting on our terrace, smoking. Why does it always ends up like this? Me smoking alone outside our terrace during uber-hot days? I should have been out there, drinking watermelon shake somewhere or maybe cooling my head off in a Starbucks with an iced Caramel Machiatto. Damn. But I value these moments. Moments when I can think about me and what I have been doing.

I know. It's always about me and not about others. I already said that I am too selfish to think about some hungry soul out there. There's more to life than charity. Hell, I'm a charity case myself. Anyway, so summer's officially here. I was on my way to the office and it seems students (i miss my weekly allowance seeing them!) are cramming it up for finals week. So that means by next week, we'll have less traffic, a slight decrease in the throngs of people walking, running, shouting, whatever in the streets, too. And since it's Holy Week next week, I expect the malls would be less crowded, I hope. I miss my empty Starbucks Ayala. *Sigh*

So, anyway, life's been tough lately. Metrics to hit, asses to kiss, schedules to meet. Usual stuff. I should really do something about managing my time. I cannot even make time out to go have my hair shaved off. Imagine! I read somewhere about "Yesterday ended last night" and I think, that's what my life should be. Everything ended last night. Today is a fresh start. So, I'm off somewhere cool. Have to rush.

Life's been a blur so far. But I can see a red light in the horizon, things are changing in the coming months. Watch me.

eat shit and die

2007-01-04T14:13:00.000+08:00

It's been like forever since I last blogged. I missed blogging. Since the last time I blogged, it has all been work for me. Nothing major happened. Well, that's 'coz I was spending way too much time at work. I am starting to feel like a rag doll. Work was like this tyranical boss who keeps on pushing me to the limits to the point of exhaustion. But who's complaining? Not me. The pay's good and it pays the bills. Thank god for 24-hour spas, power naps and Starbucks!

The past three months as been a blur. Break-ups, graduations, tears and deaths and bancruptcy. Well I never imagined that life could be so... colorful in a like a span of three months. I know I should be posting about the customary new year's shit and all but i'm not in the mood. I haven't even officially said goodbye to 2006 yet, which was MY year. I refuse to let go of the year that was! I can't believe I survived 12 months of crap. But that's life for me. You have to swim in crap. But if you eat shit, you die. Anyway, I'm at work staring at the gloomy city outside my window. I'll try to post something worthwhile in the next few hours but who knows? I might be back in 2008. Hahaha. I miss you blog! I really do.

And to cap this up, here's to my year! 2006, you will always be my year. Thank you for the tears and the laughter. Thank you for the unwearable clothes and the amazing credit limits, the booze and the girlfriends, the tequila parties and the heartaches. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

***And, oh well, the guys too!***

Let The Catwalk-ing Begin!

2006-09-09T07:17:00.000+08:00

The Spring 2007 Collections
September 8 to 15, 2006
The Tent, Promenade Atelier, UPS - Bryant Park,Sixth Avenue (between 40 & 42nd Streets)

Opening with John Bartlett
Closing with Chado Ralph Rucci

~~~

Top Five Shows to be seen at (according to socialiterank):

OSCAR DE LA RENTA
CAROLINA HERRERA
CALVIN KLEIN
J. MENDEL
VERA WANG

See you at the tents!

Est cela vous Marie?

2006-09-02T01:08:00.000+08:00

Waiting in vain for Marie to captivate me.

Marie Antoinette

Kirsten Dunst is Marie.
Sofia Coppola directs.
Opening in Philippine shores soon.

A Life Worth Living, Or So I Thought.

2006-09-01T06:44:00.000+08:00

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"

- Carrie Bradshaw

I am 22 and I feel like I am so old. They say the world is so big and life is so spontaneous. But why am I not feeling like an ant in the middle of Central Park? I am just 22 and I feel like the Little Prince in his little planet tending to his little flower. Here are a hundred random info about me and my boring life. I hope by reading this I am helping you commit suicide, which of course, you have been planning for months. Enjoy!

1. I am gay…
2. … and I love it.
3. I rarely wake up before 3 PM.
4. I cannot live without lip balm.
5. I play soccer...
6. … and I think soccer players are hotter than basketball players.
7. I like reading historical novels and trashy paperbacks.
8. I have a huge addiction to fashion and lifestyle magazines.
9. I have size 12 feet…
10. ...and I do not buy expensive shoes.
11. I terribly suck at math.
12. I would rather write a 20-page essay on student behavior inside dingy classrooms than sit in a dingy classroom listening to an old fag drone on about how Alexander died of something.
13. I can come up with a whole outfit just by looking at a single item of clothing.1
4. I can do beadwork…
15. … and I would love to learn how to sew.
16. I fell in love with Cebu in 2003…
17. …and I have never gone home ever since!
18. I prefer vodka and tequila over beer.
19. I got so drunk once in Pump that I started kissing everyone.
20. My first kiss was with someone I do not know…
21. … but we got so close after that he became my first lover!
22. I have loved only one person in my life: ME!
23. I love drinking coffee: double shot espresso or tall, wet, triple shot cappuccino.
24. I can sit in Starbucks for hours just staring into space…
25. … yet I cannot make myself sit in a crowded church and listen to a priest talk about how sinful people are nowadays. Even if it’s just for an hour.
26. I was born a Catholic, went to a Protestant college and ended up being an atheist.
27. I rarely talk about God with other people but I do believe and fear God.
28. I have an eleven-year old pet turtle that I found in our driveway during a stormy afternoon in October 1995. I really did thought back then that it was a rock.
29. I cannot bear being in a house with cats and dogs as pets…
30. … but someone did give me dog once and I loved that dog!
31. I am the eldest son but if you will meet my younger sister, you’ll think we are twins.
32. I like my hair shaved because I do not have the patience to style my hair all the time.
33. I like watching sunsets because every memorable event in my life happened during sunsets.
34. I am a nocturnal person.
35. I have a thing for anything white.
36. And do not laugh if I tell you I own about four dozen white tees.
37. Plus about 4 pairs of white shoes.
38. But I find it uncomfortable dating Caucasian guys, no matter how Tom Brady-looking they are.
39. I still like Pinoy men.
40. That is why I have dated, as of last count, close to thirty-five Pinoy men.
41. Maybe flirted is the right word for number 40.
42. And whoever I date/flirt with, I still uphold the Safe Sex Policy always. No buts and ifs.
43. The most daring thing I have done with someone I have dated was have dinner with his parents.
44. That is why I do not like the whole meeting-the-parents sort of thing.
45. I hate being scrutinized by people I do not care about.
46. So as much as possible, I hate meeting new people. I hate the awkwardness of it all.
47. But I am friendly, so meeting other people is a cinch. I end up having too many entries on my phonebook that I cannot keep track of who Mark 1 is and who Mark 2 is.
48. I am an aloof person.
49. I have the tendency to just sit a corner and sulk if I am in a strange place.
50. I do not talk much when I am around other people I rarely know.
51. And I do not start conversations. I hate it when there is the need for that in whatever situation.
52. I would just prefer to smoke my lungs out and drink my way into a party if I do not know anyone.
53. I have been a smoker for 6 years now.
54. I started smoking in sophomore year in college just to be cool.
55. Smoking West Menthols was the coolest thing then when you are out partying but it made way for Marlboro Reds which made me smell so bad.
56. I stopped smoking for a year and when I did smoke again, I was killing my lungs with Marlboro Menthols. Until now.
57. I am Coco Chanel, immortalized as a third world loser.
58. I used to have this huge, huge, huge crush on Jao Mapa after mooning over him in Pare Ko, The Movie.
59. I went as far as making this memento box of anything Jao and it includes, among other things, notebooks, pin-ups, newspaper cuttings, etc.
60. And then I saw Patrick in that unforgettable Tender Juicy Hotdog ad and my world has changed ever since.
61. The first thing I’ve won in my entire life is a rice cooker and it was a bit useful when I was in college.
62. I had a lot of firsts in college: first cigarette, first hang-over, first boyfriend, among other things.
63. Before I went to Silliman, I have never been to Dumaguete.
64. I left a graffiti of my name on one of the acacia trees outside the Luce Auditorium in Silliman.
65. I was rumored to be a pimp way back in college because my friends are all hot girls.
66. I survived college by eating a lot of pancit canton, drinking a lot of buko juice and iced tea and partying almost every night.
67. I have talked and charmed my way through most of college. And most of the time, my professors believe me.
68. I walked out of a class once because my professor shouted at me for being ignorant. Well, she never saw me again.
69. My first boyfriend left me…
70. … and I was so stupid that I tried to commit suicide.
71. Ever since, I made a promise to myself that I should be the one leaving, not the one left.
72. I have had six serious relationships and none worked out.
73. I have the worst case of commitment-phobia.
74. And I also hate cockroaches. You can kill me by putting me inside a room full of cockroaches.
75. I was nicknamed O by an officemate 2 years ago.
76. My family and some very close friends call me Jopp.
77. And when I was in grade five, my name was changed legally from Jose A******n to Jose H******n.
78. I have been using my current personal email address since 1997.
79. I used to spend an average of six hours every weekend trying to get my way around the internet on dial-up. That was 1996 and the world was still small. At least to me.
80. My first cellphone was a Nokia 6110. It looked like a smaller version of the 5110. and it effing cost my dad 18K! imagine a heavy phone with no GPRS, no Bluetooth, no MMS, no camera and a black and white display costing that much… well, at least it looked good with the transparent pink cover.
81. I have salt-and-pepper hair. Meaning I am mature.
82. I hate December.
83. I love eating raw carrots dipped in low fat yogurt.
84. Je peux comprendre un peu du Francais.
85. Y Espanol, tambien.
86. I regularly trim down there…
87. …plus I trim my nose hair...
88. … and I pluck my stray brows. Who can blame me? I’m gay.
89. I started watching Sex and the City when I was a junior in high school. And I loved it.
90. I was in fourth grade when I started going to bars. My aunt would bring me and my cousins to bars with her during Saturday nights.
91. I tried courting a girl once and she ended up being a very good friend. She would throw the flowers and we both pigged out on the chocolates I gave her.
92. It was my parents dream for me to be either a doctor or a priest.
93. My last relationship ended after 16 days. (UPDATE: we’re back again!)
94. In high school, I used to spike my dinner iced tea with rum. My grandfather, who is a lover of alcohol, lives with us.
95. My ultimate dream is to be a son of a very corrupt public official. Imagine the power and the money.
96. I am the most impulsive person I know.
97. My wisdom teeth came out in successions when I was a senior in high school.
98. I had three. Or what felt like three.
99. I have a thing for thongs. It is very comfortable to wear one.
100. My life is a boring and I would never trade it. Even for an Croc Hermes Birkin. Well if the hardware includes platinum and diamonds, I might make a consideration. Hahaha.

Desperately Needing Chanel

2006-08-30T22:26:00.000+08:00

Why would you want a job that a million other people would die for? Beats me, but if I were in the position of Andy Sachs, I will let those million other people die and I will even bitch about it.

I have seen the much-anticipated movie, The Devil Wears Prada, and to tell you honestly, there was something missing. Something was just off. But all in all, it was a good movie. Worth the seventy pesos I spent for the bootleg copy. I know I should never condone piracy but what the heck! I have been waiting for the effing movie to sashay down our shores last month but you all know how everything is two seasons late over here! Anyway, back to the movie. It was good. The cinematography is typical chick-flick. The set was okay: you cannot change New York and you will always fall for Paris. But Meryl Streep as Miranda Priestly? Fantastic! I love the way she rolls her eyes, pout her lips and say -That is all- in such an icy tone. And Anne Hathaway was great. Trust me. She has grown from being Mia/Ella to being Lureen Newsome (Brokeback). Her eyes just speaks!

The wardrobe was heavenly. Lots of black, which I love. Lots of belted dresses and belts. And the Chanel, my God! There was an abundance of Chanel on Andy Sachs. They should have changed the title to The Devil Wear Chanel. Anne Hathaway really did carry those clothes. Kudos, yet again, to Patricia Fields for the costume design. I was actually expecting a lot of Sex and the City-looking clothes but nada. It was all a fresh take on some of today’s hottest trend. As I have said, lots of black. And the designer name dropping/appearance was aplenty. Well let's try to do a roll call, shall we?

Fendi Spy bag. Chanel Neclace. Dolce and Gabbana pumps. Jimmy Choo stilletos. Manolo Blahnik pumps. a Donna Karan dress. Valentino gown (he even had an appearance as himself!). Marc Jacobs bag. lots of Bill Blass. a Nancy Gonzales bag. Calvin Klein coat. a pair of Azzedine Alaia pumps. Christian Louboutin stilletos. Oscar dela Renta gown. Hermes scarves. Banana Republic. Tom Ford. Dior.

The list actually goes on to include an insane amount of name-dropping. But that's the whole point of the movie. To show us, outsiders, how the fashion industry works from the inside.

rever de daria et kate

2006-08-03T23:55:00.000+08:00

And they say that fashion is all about Paris? Certainly not. I have just re-read The Devil Wears Prada by Lauren Weisberger and I have reason to believe that the gods are testing me and they have bigger things planned for me (read: Vogue editor-ship). I am shallow, I know. Fashion is not just contained within the historic communes of the City of LIghts. It is everywhere! More so here in our islands. I have always known that I was the bastard son of fashion. Some people dream of becoming teachers, some want to be doctors or nurses, but me, I just want to work for Vogue. Lately, I have been having wet dreams from thinking too much of styling Kate Moss and Daria Werbowy for a Vogue Italia editorial. I know every gay out there would have this fasyon phase but for me this is not just a phase. This is what I want. This is what I should be doing. This is my life.

For now, I will just tread these murky waters of corporate outsourced Philippines but I know at the end of this tunnel is Conde Nast waiting for me to sacrifice my soul to The Devil herself.

loving bob

2006-07-20T04:41:00.000+08:00

This is my current song. It's on repeat on my iPod. I almost died while grooving to this tune. Seriously. I know you all love Bob Sinclair. Admit it. We're his love generation.

lemon grassed

2006-07-16T04:15:00.000+08:00

Life is as vibrant as this. Even if you are confined to such a small space, you can still grow gorgeously.

when worlds collide

2006-07-16T01:13:00.000+08:00

I am in on reminiscing mode again. I suddenly missed Dumaguete. I miss Silliman. Watching sunsets and drinking Oreo milkshake in front of the University Library. Those afternoons spent lazing in the A/S Building just people-watching. Those rainy days when I am stuck inside my apartment doing nothing, just watching the rain fall. God! I miss that life. And while reminiscing, I suddenly remembered my college anthem. Every time I listen to this song, it brings me back to that perfect place in Oriental Negros where the white sands and the corals meet the dark blue southern sea ...

A Fairy Tale (Worlds Collide)
By Plumb

We never talked about it
Cause you never even cared
And what you really wanted
I never even had
Cause what may seem right
And what may be wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything

Giving everything for love
I am finding out that its not enough
Theres nothing left between you and I
I am finding faith but losing us (I am losing us)
When worlds collide

Together we seem perfect
A fairy tale for sure
And looking on the outside
You would never even know
We are just not right
When compromise is wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything

Giving everything for love
I am finding out that its not enough
Theres nothing left between you and I
I am finding faith but losing us (I'm losing us)
When worlds collide

We are just not right
When compromise is wrong
Seems out of sight
In this place we belong
Giving everything

Giving everything for love
I am finding out that its not enough
Theres nothing left between you and I
I am finding faith but losing us (I am losing us)
When worlds collide

How about you? What was your college anthem?

just to say I did it.

2006-07-12T22:15:00.000+08:00

I did a lot of stupid stuff in my life and this list shows what they are. Stupid these may be but these things make my life more colorful. It gives me something to laugh about when I am feeling down.

(X) smoked a cigarette
( ) crashed a friend's car
(X) got drunk with a good friend
( ) stolen a car
(X) been in love
(X) been dumped
( ) shoplifted
( ) been fired
(X) been in a fist fight
(X) snuck out of your parent's house
( ) been arrested
(X) gone on a blind date
(X) skipped school
( ) seen someone die
(X) been on a plane
( ) purposely set a part of yourself on fire
(X) eaten Sushi
( ) been moshing at a concert
(X) taken painkillers
(X) love someone or miss someone right now
(X) lain on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(X) flown a kite
(X) built a sand castle
( ) gone puddle jumping
(X) played dress up
( ) jumped into a pile of leaves
(X) cheated while playing a game
(X) been lonely
(X) fallen asleep at work/school
( ) used a fake id
(X) watched the sun set
(X) felt an earthquake/tremor
(X) touched a snake
(X) slept beneath the stars
(X) been tickled
(X) been robbed
(X) been misunderstood
( ) pet a /goat
(X) won a contest
(X) run a red light
( ) been suspended from school
(X) been in a car crash
( ) had braces
(X) eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(X) had deja vu
(X) danced in the moonlight
(X) liked the way you look
(X) witnessed a crime
(X) questioned your heart
(X) been obsessed with post-it notes
( ) squished barefoot through the mud
(X) been lost
(X) been to the opposite side of the country
( ) swum in the ocean(X) felt like dying
(X) cried yourself to sleep
(X) played cops and robbers
(X) recently colored with crayons
(X) sung karaoke
(X) paid for a meal with only coins
(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(X) made prank phone calls
(X) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(X) danced in the rain(X) written a letter to Santa Claus
(X) been kissed under a mistletoe
(X) watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(X) blown bubbles
( ) made a bonfire on the beach
(X) crashed a party
(X) gone roller-skating
(X) had a wish come true
(X) worn pearls
( ) jumped off a bridge
( ) ate dog/cat food
( ) told a complete stranger you loved them
(X) kissed a mirror
(X) sung in the shower
(X) had a dream that you married someone
(X) glued your hand to something
( ) kissed a fish
(X) sat on a roof top
(X) screamed at the top of your lungs
( ) done a one-handed cartwheel
(X) talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(X) stayed up all night
( ) didn't take a shower for a week
( ) pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(X) climbed a tree
( ) had a tree house
( ) are scared to watch scary movies alone
( ) believe in ghosts
( ) have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(X) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
( ) gone streaking
(X) gone doorbell ditching
( ) played chicken
(X) jumped into a pool/hot tub/lake with all your clothes on
(X) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
( ) broken a bone
(X) been easily amused
( ) caught a fish then ate it (but I cooked it before eating it)
(X) caught a butterfly
(X) laughed so hard you cried
(X) cried so hard you laughed
(X) cheated on a test
( ) have a Britney Spears CD
(X) forgotten someone's name
(X) French braided someone's hair
(X) gone skinny dipping in a pool
(X) been threatened to be kicked out of your house
(X) been kicked out your house
( ) have had a fantasy over someone you love as a good friend
( )sun tanned naked
(X) ran naked in the rain

How about you? From the list, what stupid stuff have you done so far?

it is over

2006-07-12T22:10:00.000+08:00

The hibernation is over.

I have been building a cocoon around myself these past few weeks. And I have enough of this feeling. I am not functioning properly as a human being anymore. A lot has happened since the last time I blogged (not including the depressing entry before this). I always hated June. It’s such a gloomy month. But June is over and we’re now half way through 2006, which reminds me of all the mid-year sale happening almost everywhere in the world. But nah, I have a lot of issues to deal with for now and thinking about shopping is definitely the least of my worries. So, what has happened to me while I was on hibernate-mode? Well, a lot, actually. The best thing, though, was moving in to a new place. I am now sharing an apartment with some friends. It is liberating, cosmopolitan and domestic all at the same time. I still have to furnish my room, though. I still have no bed, no side tables, and no lamps. Nada. I’m still crashing in my housemate Tin’s room for now. Hahaha. Thanks Tin!

My life has been a blur for these past few weeks. I work, I sleep, I eat and I work again and back to the same cycle, day in, day out for five days a week. On my days off, I’m either sleeping at home, eating at home, or watching movies at home. I was never the homebody nor did I made domesticity as part of my New Year’s resolution. Everything just changes when you’re getting older and more mature. I haven’t gone clubbing in a while. The most I did was drink some blue kamikaze while zoning out to house tunes at Numero Doce in Mango Square (Cebu’s latest hang-out!) or maybe that time when I binged on sinful cakes with Tin at Postrio in Banilad Town Center (Cebu’s Alabang Town Center in a smaller scale). I haven’t even watched a new movie in like ages (well, I did watch Superman but not for the movie itself but because Brandon Routh was just hot with the capital O). Life these days is just routine. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing worth buying a new outfit for.

But I do am looking forward to something. It’s still in the works but if all goes well, then, you’ll be seeing (reading, I mean) more of me here. Just have to iron out everything and hopefully, just hopefully, everything will work out just fine.

The hibernation is indeed over. It’s July and I need to get a life. I cannot continue on wasting the rest of the year sulking over a lame breakup. Hahaha. I miss you all!

Not this feeling again.

2006-06-25T01:22:00.000+08:00

I have nothing to blog about anymore.

My life is as boring as that of a paperclip. I have never felt so down ever. I cannot seem to function well lately. I do not enjoy going to the mall anymore, window shopping and all. I have not been to Starbucks in a month, opting for black tea over Starbucks coffee. My life is uneventful. So uneventful that I think I should die now. What reason do I have for living? None. Really.

Can you help me die quietly?

guilty or not?

2006-06-02T23:58:00.000+08:00

Ever been so guilty fo something that you just need to keep it to your self?

I was. I never knew that keeping a secret for so long could lead to so much anxiety. Hahaha. I know. Especially if that secret involves your friend, your friend's boyfriend and your friend's boyfriend's bestfriend and you. Hahaha. Anyway, just to take our freaking minds off serious stuff, here a tag that I picked up from a friend's. This is The Guilty Tag. Just answer GUILTY or NOT GUILTY and then the reason why. Tag as many people as you want.

1. Dated outside your race?
GUILTY – More like f*cked outside your race.

2. Singing in the shower?
GUILTY, Hahaha!!!

3. Spit in someone's Drink?
NOT GUILTY – I am not that bitchy still.

4. Played with Barbies?
GUILTY, VERY – I also like playing with Ken.

5. Made someone cry?
GUILTY – a lot of times.

6. Opened your Christmas presents early?
GUILTY – I hate surprises.

7. Lied to a friend?
GUILTY – I think everyone does.

8. Watched and cried while watching Pangako Sa Yo?
NOT GUILTY – I hate that Christine girl but I love Echo!

9. Played a Computer game for more than 5 hours?
GUILTY – Who wouldn’t if you’re playing with The Sims?

10. Ran through the sprinklers naked?
NOT GUILTY – I only get naked in bed. Hahaha!

11. Ate food that fell on the floor?
GUILTY – Wala pa naming five minutes, ah!

12. Went outside naked?
NOT GUILTY – As I have said, I only get naked in bed.

13. Been on stage?
GUILTY – But I do not like the feeling.

14. Been on stage naked or close to it?
NOT GUILTY – Why would I?

15. Been in a parade?
GUILTY – Filipinos love parades.

16. Been in a school play?
GUILTY – I was the main Bear in a Christmas play. Imagine!

17. Drank beer?
GUILTY! GUILTY! - Those who went to college must’ve drank at least a ton of beer.

18. Gotten detention?
GUILTY – I love gossip.

19. Been on a plane?
GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!

20. Been on a cruise?
NOT GUILTY – And I hate it!

21. Broken into a house?
NOT GUILTY – I always have a key and besides people invite to their houses, so why break in?

22. Gotten a tattoo?
NOT GUILTY - been thinking of getting one though.

23. Gotten piercings?
GUILTY - left ear.

24. Gotten into a fist fight?
NOT GUILTY – I do not act like a ghetto cowgirl.

25. Gotten into a shouting match?
GUILTY – Once and will never happen again.

26. Swallowed sea/pool water?
GUILTY – Imagine all those icky stuff in the sea. Waaaaah!

27. Spun yourself in circles to get dizzy on purpose?
NOT GUILTY – I hate getting dizzy.

28. Laughed so hard it hurt?
GUILTY – I laughing at other people.

29. Tripped on your own feet?
GUILTY – And it was raining and there were people all around me.

30. Cried yourself to sleep?
GUILTY – Because I did not get that Diesel jeans I was lusting over.

31. Cried in public?
GUILTY – In the cinema while watching The Notebook.

32. Thrown up in public?
NOT GUILTY – Why would I?

33. Lied to your parents?
GUILTY – Field trips, extra classes, papers, printer toner, P.E. uniforms, etc…

34. Skipped class?
GUILTY ALL THE TIME – I’d rather spend my time at the beach than listen to some old hag drone on and on.

35. Cried so hard you threw up?
NOT GUILTY – I do not throw up when I cry hard. And besides I do not cry hard.

So, how guilty are you?

untitled for now

2006-05-29T20:46:00.000+08:00

Cher Robin,

Je pourrais ne jamais vous dire ceci directement. Vous savez tres bien que jai toujours ete une personne fiere. Je ne donne dedans jamais aux emotions. Vous aviez l habitude de me dire que je suis coince et que je ne sens rien du tout. Je peux immobile me rappeler que premiere fois nous nous sommes reunis dans Starbucks. Vous vous rappelez ce que votre ami a dit au sujet de cette fille de lycee? Je peux immobile me rappeler cela. Que la premiere reunion ma fait la pensee de vous en tant quabruti. Je vous ai dit ceci, droit ? Jai pense reellement vous avez ete coince vers le haut de mais je devine que vous avez deja montre que vous netes pas. Quoi qu il en soit, il a ete de sept mois. Imaginez ! Sept longs mois de nous se voyant. Je n ai toujours pas change, je sais. Je meurs d envie de toujours des butees toriques et vous m abimez toujours. Est ce ce que j aime au sujet de vous. Vous lui faites toujours une remarque que les personnes autour de vous sont confortables. Une chose que vous avez faite que je ne peux pas oublier etait ce moment ou vous m avez donne un grand sac des butees toriques et des biscuits de Starbucks pour donner a mes compagnons d equipe juste ainsi je peut manger mon butee torique aimee. Je me rappellerai pour toujours ce geste.

Vous ne pourriez jamais lire cette lettre, rob. Je sais. En environ onze heures et vingt neuf minutes vous me laisseriez pour Manille. Je peux ne jamais laisser ma vie ici, vous sais cela. J ai ete toujours enamoure par la vie dans la grande ville mais je pense que je ne suis pas pret. Vous faites devoir les reves et a vous les suivre. Je ne peux pas etre la raison pour laquelle vous n atteindriez pas pour eux. Nous avons ete honnetes avec l un l'autre. Je vous ai dit tout au sujet de moi et ma vie et ma passion. Il est si bonne passer votre invitation d habiter e Manille vers le haut. Je sais si je decidais d aller avec vous que nous aurions les meilleurs temps de nos vies. Mais numero que je ne veux pas vous charger de moi. Je n ai pas assorti ma vie encore. Vous avez tellement en avant de vous et vous devriez vivre la vie ou vous voulez. Nous avons toujours promis que nous ne garderions pas des choses de l un l autre. Je sais que j ai promis mais j ai garde reellement quelque chose a me. Et puisqu il y a une chance tres faible de vous lisant cette lettre, je vous dirai ceci maintenant. Je ne veux pas que vous alliez. Je veux que vous restiez ici et viviez la vie avec moi.

Rob, vous avez ete la pour moi. Dieu, je peux seulement imaginer ou j aurais ete maintenant si vous ne me soulagiez pas pendant ces semaines des lesquelles j ai eues besoin, deviez mal, quelqu un me soulager. Vous m avez montre la beaute d etre inquiete de. Vous embetez toujours au-dessus de moi et je deteste. Je vous dis ceci chaque fois que vous faites quelque chose de bebete. Mais reellement profondement a l interieur de moi, je l aime. Hahaha! Je sais. Est-ce que mais que je peux faire ? Je me suis toujours glorifie emotif en etant detache. Vous m avez egalement fait quelqu un qui s inquiete. Et vous examinez toujours ma patience. La patience n a jamais ete ma vertu plus preferee mais vous m avez rendu quelque peu patient. Je sais je ne vous ai jamais dit que ceci, mais vous a change reellement ma vie. Sorte de. Rob, je m occupe de vous. Meme si j ai pu ne jamais vous avoir dit ceci ou meme vous avoir montre ceci, je fais. Je vraiment.

Je n ai jamais voulu que vous allassiez. Mais je ne peux faire rien maintenant. Vous devez vivre votre vie la maniere que vous avez voulue a et pas la maniere vous m avez voulu a. Les sept mois ont ete merveilleux et je me rappellerai pour toujours ces mois. Ce n a jamais ete un tour doux pour nous mais je sais que chaque argument, chaque baiser, chaque moment silencieux signifie tout. Il a fait a moi et j espere qu il a fait a vous aussi. Je suis aller juste dire ceci une fois et j espere que vous avez senti la meme chose aussi. Je t aime et je m ennuierai de vous. Aucune quantite de messages des textes ou de messages de mms ne pourrait signifier les memes qu en vous ayant reposez-apres moi lecture j une ligne Du Petit Prince.

Je sais que je vous verrai bientot. Mais ce ne sera jamais pareil. Merci des sept mois.

Moi

to read or not to read

2006-05-28T21:31:00.000+08:00

I am a bookworm.

I read everything that I can lay my hands on. Magazines, trashy novels, newspapers. Anything! My grandfather has instilled in me the value of reading. At an early age, he has shown me his collection of classic novels. I grew up reading Adventures of Tom Sawyer to Gullivers Travels to Alice Through the Looking Glass. When I was older, I went through my grandfather's books and to my delight, I found more interesting books to read. I found an old paperback version of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, a book on Gandhi, and some very old editions of Readers Digest. From then on, I have been a voracious reader. Then I discovered when I was in high school the wonderful world of fashion magazines. Vogue and Seventeen where a monthly read until I learned about Harpers Bazaar, Elle and Marie Claire. I also started reading books by John Grisham and Michael Crichton.

In college, while I got busy with extra-curricular stuff and the night life, I also was discovering things about literature and some authors. I got into reading books by Filipino authors. I immensely enjoyed Nick Joaquin and his historical short stories, the different homecoming stories by Bienvenido Santos, the poignant stories about life by Lakambini Sitoy and all those stories by all these Filipino authors. Thanks to my professor, Mr. Ian Casocot, I was introduced to a new world of autors. Also, my other professor, Prof. Irma Pal, advised me to read books by Robert Ludlum because, according to her, I write like him. But I never really paid much attention to this. I just kept on devouring books.

These are just some of the books that I keep on re-reading. I have shelves upon shelves of books at home and I just cannot seem to note them all down here. These books are the ones you will see on my night stand.

How about you, what books do you have on your bedside table?

f*ck goodbyes

2006-05-28T19:25:00.000+08:00

How do you say goodbye to someone you do not have plans of letting go?

I have never been one who liked goodbyes. I hate it. As much as possible, I avoid goodbyes. When I was nine years old, my mom left us to work abroad. I was not able to say goodbye because I do not want to think about her going away. She went in and out of the country after that until last year. And every time she goes, I do not say goodbye. There was even this one time when I was still in college when she traveled all the way to Dumaguete City just to see me before she left. And all I said to her was to not forget the Diesel shoes and pants I wanted her to buy for me. I know I am selfish. It helps when you are not an emotional person. The act of saying goodbye actually means you are leaving someone. I do not want to be left behind. The act of not seeing that someone anymore is so final that my selfish self cannot bear to take. Why does someone always have to be left behind? Why goodbye when see you there would be better?

In exactly thirty six hours and fifteen minutes someone I care for, truly care for, will be leaving me. He would be venturing into that big bad city of Manila. I have lost someone to that city before and now, like history repeating itself, Manila is gonna take someone away from me yet again. This person has been the one who comforted be through the darkest days of my life this year. When I was without a job he was the one who soothed my bruised ego and told me something better would come. He was the one who spoils me with those sinful chocolate donuts from Starbucks when I need my sugar fix. He was the one who always surprises me in the middle of the night by rousing me from deep slumber just to go with him drive around the city. He is the one who always hugs me while he sleeps because he cannot sleep without hugging someone. He was the one who insists I wear a ring on my finger even if I hate wearing jewelry. He is the one who insists on having a duplicate copy of the key to my room. He is the one who would drive an hour and a half just to buy me Jollibee and then drive all the way back for another hour and a half.

I am not getting emotional here. Yes, I am not. This person who has somehow shared his life with me for the past seven months is leaving me and I am not getting emotional. I promised myself that I would not be affected by this. I knew this was coming for some months now. He is leaving to pursue his dream. I knew I am part of that dream if I wanted to. I could be. But I refuse to because I am not easily swayed by emotions. This shall pass, I know. If he cares, he would be back and we would pick up where we left off. I am not gonna be affected by his leaving. People leave other people all the time. Just look at airports. And a lot of people come back, too. Goodbyes mean nothing to me. Nothing at all. His leaving will have no effect on me. Nope. None whatsoever. And it is like I can do something about it. He has booked his flight and he is leaving for good.

Oh! F*ck it! F*ck! I give up. I confess I will miss him. I really will. He spoils me too much that I will miss those nights spent in my cramped bed tickling each other. I will miss the way he pouts when he is reading something he does not like, or the way his lips move when he sleeps. I will miss his scent on my bed sheets, that cheap Penshoppe cologne of his that we share. I will miss the donuts from Starbucks that he always brings me. I will miss our arguments and the way he ignores me when he gets mad at something I just did or said. I will miss the touch of his hand when we are in Starbucks, me drinking my coffee and him drinking his AppleBerryJuiceFreeze. I will miss his calls in the middle of the night during my days off when he cannot drive to the city. God! I will miss him and I know I will cry when he leaves. I cannot tell him this because I do not want him to think that I care and that I am affected that he is leaving. It is enough for him to think that his leaving is just one of the facts of life. It is enough for him to think that his leaving does not affect me at all. He knew that I know this was coming. I will miss him and, God! I think I am so used to him being here that there would be a big void in my life once he is gone.

How do I say goodbye to him? How do I say goodbye to someone I do not want to go?

i have been tagged.

2006-05-26T19:14:00.000+08:00

And because I am a good blogger, I will give in to this. Thanks to Momel, I now have to announce to the whole blogosphere what I want in a lover. Here goes emotional humiliation!

Instructions:

1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different descriptions of their perfect lover.

2. He/she needs to mention the sex/gender of their perfect lover.

3. He/she must tag 8 more people to join this game and leave a comment on their respective sites anouncing that they've been tagged.

4. If tagged a second time, there's no need to post again.

I need someone who is male but is sort of attached to his feminine side. Not too feminine or else we might both be in an eternal squalor as to who gets to use the bathroom the longest. But seriously, I need someone who is secure with his sexuality. No doubting Thomases for me. The following are the characteristics I am looking for in someone I would want to spend eternity with. Well, not exactly eternity but maybe just a portions of it.

~ As Carrie said in Sex and the City, I need someone who can give me real love. I need Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cannot-live-without-each-other love. I do not like public display of affections, though. I want text messages and calls in the middle of the night, I want kisses inside the car while stuck in traffic, I want jealousy, I want one-on-one soccer on a rainy Saturday afternoon, I want to read books with him while lying naked in bed; I want good old fashioned gay love.

~ I want someone who, when he talks, exudes intelligence and humor. It is hard to find someone who can talk about the effects of Chernobyl on nuclear energy projects yet at the same time can make me laugh even at his most corny jokes. I want someone who I can discuss foreign policy with but who can also joke about how odd our president looks like in her clothes. I want someone who is educated but not conceited, serious but not stuck-up.

~ He can play soccer. No need to elaborate this. I play soccer, I enjoy soccer, and he should at least know, if not be good at, soccer.

~ Someone who is willing to sacrifice time, is very patient and understands. I am fickle-minded. I cannot decide about stuff right away and I am a pessimist sometimes. Well, most of the time. And I need someone who can indulge my being fickle and pessimistic.

~ He should be able to tolerate my smoking, or he can smoke with me. He can drink vodka and tequila with me yet should be semi-sober when I am about to pass out.

~ Someone taller than me by an inch or two and someone who is moreno. His eyes should speak. Not too buff or I will be forever jealous and insecure. He should have at least a shoe size of nine or ten. Someone who does not fusses about clothes that much but he should know fashion. Someone who is not vain but takes extra care of his self.

~ Someone who likes to be pampered and wooed. When I am in love (or what seems like it), I always make it a point to spoil that person. He should be able to take in my rather-weird moves. I do random stuffs that are overly romantic at times and I want him not to squirm in shock or humiliation but maybe smile or blush or I dunno.

~ Someone who knows how to love and care and appreciate me. I am easily pleased but I want someone who fusses over me. Someone who will call me nonstop if I cannot be found. Someone who showers me with affection that I can drown in it. Hahaha. I just want someone who will love me. Immensely.

I am tagging the following people. I just want to know if they still believe in love. Haha!

1. Errol
2. Ai-ai
3. James
4. Rex
5. Talia
6. Honeyboi
7. Tricia
8. My sister